Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
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If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
War & Peace
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit