[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
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[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
I’m listening
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.