HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
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Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I need a headline like this
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.