[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
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Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control