It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
You Might Also Like
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Genius idea!!
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*