My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
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TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
How do you like your Corgi?
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?