This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
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“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Thursday Thought.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
getting corrected
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair