Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
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If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
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[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her: