Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
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ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”