HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
You Might Also Like
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened