Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
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me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.