her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
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me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.