HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
You Might Also Like
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
#StillHurts