Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
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them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]