@DaHess1: Her: What's your fantasy?
Me: Movie theaters that charge kids 3 and under $500 per ticket.
@NewDadNotes: Friend: the weather’s been super muggy lately
Weather: [pulls knife] I said shut up and gimme your wallets
Me: so muggy
@kelkulus: Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
@zachreinert03: In Texas you're allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I'd host sooo many parties
@aveuaskew: Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
@Classy_Cassy89: You know you're drunk when the cat barks.