@DaHess1: Her: What's your fantasy?
Me: Movie theaters that charge kids 3 and under $500 per ticket.
@Girliegurll: Always trust your dog's first impression of someone.
@AIanHangover: Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever's bugging you.
@BuckyIsotope: ME: who's a good boy
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog's head*
DOG: you're next buddy
@NotJPo: I hate when I get so stoned that I can barely feel my legs and arms and antlers and wings.
@MUMSIEesq: SECURITY GUARD: You can't bring open containers of alcohol in here.
ME: This is a service beer.