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@DaHess1: Her: What's your fantasy?
Me: Movie theaters that charge kids 3 and under $500 per ticket.
@MoneypennyNaked: I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
@LoveNLunchmeat: This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I'm just really bad at math.
@david8hughes: [to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
"I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to."
@ineedaballrub: I just Googled 'Nicolas Cage jokes' and it showed me a list of every film he's been in.
Well played, Google.
@NYC_Blonde: My "snooze" button should just be called the "nope, no yoga today" button.