@DaHess1: Her: What's your fantasy?
Me: Movie theaters that charge kids 3 and under $500 per ticket.
@DomBorrett: I can't wait to find out who's playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
@LucTabone: #IAmHonoredBy my 12 year old telling me he needs me. He wanted a new gadget of course but the thought was there.
@Sir_Strange: Women who don't even acknowledge your existence just want you to try harder.
I recommend hiding naked in her closet with a block of cheese.
@sara_ashlynn: My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
@RichBeingRich: My phone just autocorrected "Haha" to "Jaja" so I guess I'm Mexican now.