Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
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Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*