My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
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If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try