[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
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Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
You can’t rush stupid.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.