Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
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I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.