Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
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There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
How to draw a duck
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone