Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
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Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.