Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
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narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!