*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
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Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire