if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
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Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*