Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
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Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
english majors be like furthermore
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.