HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
You Might Also Like
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”