Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
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For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Pretty much! 😂👀
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.