Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
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If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
All. The. Damn. Time.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood