HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
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*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces