HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
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OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
are there any atheist mantises?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
never compromise your values
What’s so funny?
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu: