Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
You Might Also Like
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
That’s what I call a flat tire