Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Jogging
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.