*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
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“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂