Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
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Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
…..pretty much.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?