me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
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I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.