Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
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[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
i really liked this one
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
SCARY COSTUME
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*