HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
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“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.