Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
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Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
saving face 👀
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,