me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
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a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.