Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
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i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go