Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
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As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I’m awake but I object,
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.