HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
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Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Hero horse inspires millions
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house