HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
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You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Why soy sad?
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.