her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
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I’d rather fork than spoon.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.