HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
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AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
But wait…
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…