Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
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I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…