HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
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People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.