HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
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IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
concern
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.