A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
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[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Facebook marketplace is a different world
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*