It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
You Might Also Like
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Go hard or stay average
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Twitter is an abusement park.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.